Adulthood occurs when one realizes that it’s better to suffer for the right reasons than to feel pleasure for the wrong reasons.
Mark Manson
I woke up this morning buzzing with inspiration, got to a sweet perch in a fancy cafe, and was all geared up and ready to write.
The piece I wanted to write was about a great conversation that filled me with wonder and awe. I had already written a draft of it in my notebook, and I’d read it to a few friends, who liked it. I was ready to type it up and send it out.
Then, out of courtesy, I reached out to the person who had inspired me.
“I wanted to ask if I could write about our conversation, before I posted anything,” I said.
“No, it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to write about that,” this person replied.
RED LIGHT!
I felt hurt. Was it shame?
I googled “Toxic shame vs. Healthy shame” and came upon this quote:
Healthy shame guides toward self-correction, making amends, and growth.
I talked about my feelings with my partner, who said: “You can write about YOUR experience, but if you write about others, you don’t want them to feel used.“
This was a lesson hiding in my hurt: writing online about other people requires consent. As Mark Manson said, “Sometimes good things will make you feel bad. Sometimes bad things will make you feel good.” The good thing of asking for consent made me feel rejected, hurt, shameful.
If I had shared the piece, perhaps people would have liked it. Perhaps I would have felt the heady buzz of social approval. But I would have been using this person’s story without their consent. Which would have been a bad thing.
It was good that I felt bad. And it was good that I shared my hurt.
…Sharing our own personal pain allows us to move beyond it. Because it’s one thing to just sit and intellectualize our problems to ourselves. But once we share and mold that meaning out in the world around us, our pain becomes something outside of us…
We decide what our pain means. Just as we decide what our successes expose.
Mark Manson
I decided today that my pain meant that I learned a valuable lesson: get consent before sharing writing online. Don’t use people.
Thank you to all the people who helped me learn this lesson today!
danscreativeoulet 