Values for the eulogy are more important than goals for the year

Today, while standing in line at a coffee shop, I drew the above card (from a deck designed for cultivating introspection and curiosity).

My answer was: kindness. I most love myself when I’m kind.

The past few years, around New Year’s time, I’ve looked back at my past year, and ahead at the future one. I’ve set goals, and made vision boards for them.

Lately, I’m realizing that this process of looking back and looking forward is best done in a more regular, fluid and spontaneous way. Also, goals with numbers and metrics, while sometimes helpful, can be beside the point.

What matters more than an external goal is what’s in your heart. For example, someone may have a goal to become a parent because that’s what society says they are supposed to do. They may achieve their goal, but resent their child for taking their time away from pursuit of some other activity. Another parent may abuse or neglect their child. Another may use their child as a crutch for their own loneliness. From an external perspective, all of these people achieved the goal of having a kid. But from a spiritual perspective, these parents are in constricted states, and are generating bad karma for both themselves and their children.

The most important things in life — kindness, love, wonder, the ability to feel our feelings, the ability to understand our motivations and cultivate better ones — are not measurable or easily state-able as goals. It’s easy to state the goal of having a kid. On the other hand, being a “good parent” is not really a goal, but a value you never reach. You can’t cross “good parent” off your list at the end of the year, and move onto something else.

So I’m going to stop working so hard on creating big annual reviews. Instead, I’ll focus on reflecting more often on what my values are, and if I’m living them out.