Imagine it’s raining buckets outside, and your friend is over at your house. Your friend asks you to borrow an umbrella. Would you give it to them?
Of course!
And would it feel good to lend the umbrella?
Yes!
Yet, when we need help, we often don’t ask. There’s this myth circulating in the culture, the myth of rugged individualism.
“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, be independant,” the myth says.
I was talking to someone about this yesterday, and she brought up a story of a friend who was going through relationship difficulties, who asked her for a listening ear. She felt honored. Yet if the situation had been reversed, she probably wouldn’t have asked for help, she told me.
She said: “Even if people say no, then that’s good information too. I want people in my life who will say yes.”
Recieving is a growth edge for me. When someone does something nice for me, my instinct is to think of how to repay them, as opposed to letting the love in and basking in it. Paradoxically, when I let the love in unconditionally, then I’m more motivated to give love, unconditionally, to someone else. Giving love can mean giving gifts, kind words, a listening ear, a high five, anything.
For me growing up, social connection seemed like such a rarity. Now, I’ve proven to myself that social connection is actually quite abundant. I moved to the island of Kauai for 6 weeks, where I knew not a soul. Over that short time, a few meaningful relationships began to weave together.
Last night, I went to a music show by myself. I met a few people there, who I felt could become new friends too, if only I was not travelling.
The whole world is a space of potential new friends!
My friend’s mom told me a story about how she was nervous about moving from St. Petersburg to the USA, leaving behind all her well-established friends. Someone told her: there will be people in the US who want to be friends. And guess what? In an English class for immigrants, my friend’s mom met a lady who would become her new friend in a new country.
I think of friendships like plants. Social connection is the seed of friendship, and it is abundant. Out of this initial social connection, true friendships — relationships of mutual trust and caring — can grow. Once you have a few healthy friendships in your life, it’s worth cherishing them and watering them. That’s what I’m doing on this visit back to New York from Hawaii — spending time with my friends, watering my friendships. This isn’t a trivial thing for me. I think it’s really important.
One big reason for friendship is to help us keep warm as we go through life’s cold and rainy patches. Ask your friends for an umbrella. If they say yes with delight, that’s a sign that they’re your real friends. If they consistently say no, then they aren’t.
There are plenty of people in this world who want to lend you an umbrella. We don’t need to go it alone.
danscreativeoulet 