I asked a monk why the lotus flower is a symbol of Buddhism, and he said that each petal of the flower represents part of the Eightfold path. The first petal is right view.
In a podcast about happiness, a researcher said that there were three “buckets” of happiness: genetics, life circumstances, and mindset/attitude. It strikes me that mindset/attitude roughly maps onto “right view” and this is the most controllable part of the happiness equation.
And so, inspired by my friend Ethan’s 2023 annual reflection article, here’s a list of ways my outlook on life has changed in this past year or so.
1. Right-sizing. I spent time at Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage and saw one vision for living sustainably. In that vision, were actually many different approaches. Though I chose not to join Dancing Rabbit as a resident, I really want the community to succeed. Am I a hypocrite? Should I feel guilty? No. Dancing Rabbit’s future will not be determined by one person joining or not. Dancing Rabbit is a much bigger thing than me. And, in the grand scheme of life on this planet, Dancing Rabbit is also tiny. Traveling in Thailand now, all the street food is wrapped in plastic. Is it up to me to be an eco-warrior and get them to stop doing this? No. Thailand, and the global addiction to plastic, is bigger than me too. I care about the environment, yes. And also, I am small, a pixel in the grand picture. Gratitude for: Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage and the diverse people I met there, Father Greg Boyle for the term “right-sizing,” Avi for some great conversations.
2. Seeing social connection as abundant. Growing up, I was constantly seeking approval from groups that wanted little to do with me. I saw the social universe as house with a fun party inside, and locked doors. For many years, I felt myself socially rejected, locked out. Now, after connecting with lots of people (sometimes wearing a clown nose, sometimes not), I see that social connection is abundant. Not everywhere and at every time (I still feel the pain of social rejection, and can get depressed if rejected repeatedly). Yet now I see social connection as abundant. If I’m rejected here, I can always move over there and eventually, I’ll have the faith that I’ll find a warm person who wants to connect. Gratitude for: the Patch Adams clown trip, Dario (a member of the trip) for inspiring me to keep clowning after the trip was over, and Ethan Maurice for encouraging me to go on the clown trip.
3. Seeing my bandwidth as limited. Arriving in Hawaii, I went dizzy with all the outdoor activities possible: acroyoga, rock climbing, trail running, surfing, beach volleyball… The list was endless. Now, I keep 2 lists: Active projects and dreams. The active projects lists has to be short. This year I said no to a meditation retreat so I could spend time with my brother. I said no to traveling to see distant friends to connect better with my local life. In the moment, these decisions were painful. Excruciating, even. In a similar vein, I used to think I had to be good at all aspects of neurology. Now I realize: I can “strategically underachieve” at inpatient neurology, in favor of doing outpatient work, which fits me better. Gratitude for: Feel Good Productivity, Existential Psychotherapy, 4,000 weeks podcast interview.
4. Seeing love as something you choose to enact, in the present, through words and actions. Love has always been a bit of a mystery for me. I recently listened to a book where the author said that love comes down to words and actions. I like the simplicity of this view. Yes, there is a loving feeling you can experience (which, like all feelings, is impermanent). But more stable than a feeling, love is a choice you can bring to any moment.
5. Seeing emotions as impermanent, impersonal. I recently spent a day in a Thai forest monastery. While sweeping the floors (pictured above), a monk named Ajahn Bun Cha said to me: “Emotions are not yours because they come from many factors that aren’t in your control.” Holy crap, I realized. That’s true. So often, I blame myself for having certain feelings. Yet the feelings that arise are based on many factors: parenting, how much I slept, advertising, etc. All of these factors are in the past, and outside my control. And all emotions are impermanent. Realizing this is huge, because there’s a huge difference between feeling shame unconsciously (which feels like it will last forever) and realizing that, “I’m having a feeling: shame. It happened because of certain factors and events. Because it’s a feeling, it will pass (usually when a new life experience presents itself that generates another emotion).” Gratitude to: Ajahn Bun Cha.
6. Seeing solitude as necessary for connecting with my soul. Spending time on Kauai alone helped me realize: I like my own company! Before that 6 week solitude exposure therapy, I was obsessed with always being with others. A related thing: discovering activities I enjoy, like reading, rock climbing and juggling, that are rewarding even if no one is watching.
7. Seeing empathy as a skill that can be developed. If I’m not careful, I can catch my brain stereotyping people. “This older guy white guy and that younger Thai lady are together for these reasons,” my mind says to me. But I don’t actually know their story. Ways to develop my empathy: travel, reading narrative books, asking people questions about their story/childhood. Gratitude for: David Brooks’ How to Know a Person, and Actually Curious card decks, which helped me get to know my own family better.
8. Seeing fear as something that must be overcome to have experiences I value. Case in point this year: getting a dog, moving to Hawaii. Gratitude for: the festival of YES, airplanes, the fear book.
9. Seeing my job today as living and loving a little bit better than yesterday. If I’m not careful, I can catch my brain comparing my life to some idealized picture or the lives of my peers, and feeling inadequate. Why don’t I have five children by now? Why don’t I have five million dollars? I learned a new way of goal-setting this year: making goals input-based. Did I show up for myself today? Did I climb a little bit higher than yesterday? Did I do something that I value? If the answer is yes, then that’s enough.
danscreativeoulet 