From Kindergarten to second grade, I attended a Jewish day school called Kadimah. One day I wandered the halls after school was over, eating Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gummies from a yellow plastic pouch.
Across the hall, I saw the the principal. He was a tall, bald man wearing a white yarmulke.
“Hello, Dan,” he said.
He had always been kind to me, but this time, I registered disapproval on his face.
“What are you eating?” he asked.
“Gummies.”
“Can I see them?”
I handed over the package, which he scanned.
“You can’t bring this here. It isn’t Kosher,” he said, and put the package in his pocket. My face flushed with embarrassment. I wanted to hide.
I don’t remember if he told me this, or if I learned it later, but the reason for the un-Kosher-ness was gelatin. Gelatin, the thing that gives gummies their gummy, is often made out of boiled pig bones.
Years later, I no longer went to Kadimah, but I did attend an orthodox Jewish after-school program. One day, I was talking about how I wanted to see the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas with one of my classmates. The Rabbi, a man with a long beard and black hat, overheard me.
“Don’t talk about that movie here,” he said. Again, I felt embarrassed. Like I’d done something wrong.
I’ve been thinking about identity a lot over the last few years. What is it? How does it form?
The simplest definition of identity I’ve come to is this: identity is how we define ourselves. A green square is green and a square. It is not orange. It is not a circle.
Yet even in the simple example above, there is choice. A red triangle may choose to define itself simply as a shape, not by color or form. In a way, the red triangle is making a choice similar to the Dalai Llama, who says:
For me the best introduction is the human face. When I see two eyes, one mouth, one nose, I know I’m dealing with another human being like me. I’m like those young children who don’t care about their companions’ background so long as they smile and are willing to play.
The red triangle is choosing a larger common identity over a smaller one.
Someone I met recently told me about her research in identity formation. She said that one tool used in this line of research is to have people write aspects of their identity on a gingerbread man graphic like this:
Stronger identities go closer to the center of the gingerbread man. Weaker identities go more at the periphery.
A related question I’ve recently been thinking about: are there healthy and unhealthy versions of identity?
What I’ve come to is that healthy identities are:
- Freely chosen
- Uniting
- Expansive
In contrast, unhealthy identities are:
- Imposed
- Divisive
- Constricting
This year, I have gotten involved in men’s work. In one way, the identity of being “a man” is biological. But in another way, I am freely choosing to identify as a man, and I’m choosing what this identity means to me. “Being a man” can mean being someone who does stereotypically masculine things. Or it can mean embodying certain archetypes. Or it can mean something else entirely.
My identity of being a man is uniting. In men’s group, feel connected with other men, regardless of age, background, religion, race, etc. And also, there is a culture of respect towards women.
Finally, this identity is expansive. I feel a sense of more possibilities and connection in my life because I adopted it. Anywhere I go, I can drop into men’s circles. I am aware of a global network of men doing work on themselves in community, to live in greater integrity for the benefit of the world.
The identity of “man” can also have an unhealthy flavor. It can feel imposed rather than chosen, for example, if a transgender or non-binary person is born into a family with very rigid standards of masculinity. It can be divisive, for instance if men band together and bash on women. It can be constricting, if I adopt an idea of being a man that limits what I can do (e.g. if I’m a man I can’t wear a dress, dance ballet, etc.)
Another example: I found the identity of being a Jew limiting when I was trying to fit into orthodox Judaism. I found it restricting to follow traditional Kosher food standards (I resonate more with the idea of eco-kosher). I found it restricting to be forbidden from watching or discussing certain movies like The Nightmare before Christmas.
Yet, when I discovered Lab/Shul, I found that the identity of “Jew” became uniting and expansive. I enjoyed the inter-faith events that created bridges to other traditions. And I found greater possibilities to connect with Judaism, my own spiritual backyard.
To conclude this post, I’ll return to The Nightmare Before Christmas (which has become one of my favorite movies). One way to view this film is through the lens of identity.
[spoilers ahead]
At the start of the movie, the main character Jack Skellington finds himself imprisoned by his identity. Yes, he’s the King of Halloween Town. He’s powerful and well-loved. But he finds this role constricting. Being King limits his possibilities. He didn’t choose to be the King, this role was imposed onto him by his society.
As the movie progresses, Jack travels to Christmas town, and sheds his identity as King. He takes on the identity of Santa Clause. This choice fails horribly.
But when he returns to Halloween town, he feels invigorated, more alive. He freely chooses to come back.
At the start of the movie, and at the end, he has outwardly the same identity: the King of Halloween town. Inwardly, the situation is vastly different: at the start of the movie, Jack’s identity was unhealthy: it was imposed on him and constricting. At the end of the movie, it was freely chosen and he feels a greater sense of possibility.
Jack sings:
And I just can’t wait until next Halloween
‘Cause I’ve got some new ideas
That will really make them scream
These days, I’m finding myself discovering new identities for myself through experimentation. Some of these identities are dead-ends (like being a devotee of Sadhguru).
Other identities are pleasant discoveries:
“Wow, I never thought I’d like house music, but the way I feel with the beat thumping while driving down these beautiful roads makes me feel alive.”
or
“Wow, I never thought I’d be a dog owner, yet here I am, going on a run with a 90-pound dog.”
I believe we all need some degree of identity to lead good lives. Matthew McCounaughey says that a good place to start figuring out who you are is to answer the question: “What am I not?”
I think another good place to start is to answer the questions:
- What identities do I freely choose?
- Which identities align with my values?
- Which unite me with others?
- Which expand my possibilities and sense of aliveness?
Identities are tricky. They can lead to war and genocide just as much as they can help us improve ourselves and the world. Our challenge then, as both individuals and as communities, is to use the above ingredients to cook healthy identities for dinner tonight.
danscreativeoulet 