Walking skills

[a poem for myself on my 38th lap around the sun]

A blind scarlet macaw
Helped me celebrate
My 38th revolution
Around the sun

The macaw and I danced 
To a live band
Outside a rock climbing gym
As I came down from a buzz
That I'd gotten during my birthday dinner
With my future wife
At a very fancy restaurant 

There, elixirs were concocted
With fire and smoke
In the dim candlelight
Scents of rosemary and garlic
Steak, butter
Cherry, and gin
Swirled in my consciousness

It was all 
Even more fun
Because of two things

First,
I had come to
This dress-code 
Reservation-only 
Spot
Dressed as a clown
Red nose and all

Second,
The restaurant
Was a bit of a secret:
Only accessible
Through an unmarked door
At the back 
Of a nondescript
Sports bar

***

I've spent many birthdays 
Longing
For belonging

On my ninth birthday, I hid under my parents bed crying
Feeling small and sorry for myself
For not having enough: friends, appreciation
For not being enough

I celebrated my 20th birthday
Alone, getting drunk in a tree
On a remote island
Thinking about
How I would die
And not really being
Into this idea

Growing up,
Bullies told me
I was bad 

I believed them
And I spent
Days and years
Prettying myself 
For them

Even after
They'd left me alone
I kept on working to please
The bullies I constructed
In my own mind

For years I knocked on doors
That wouldn't open
Petitioned clubs
That wouldn't take me
As opposed 
To wandering this vast world
And finding
The many clubs that would

I didn't believe
That such clubs
Existed

***

The world
Is full of universes
To discover
And to create

Every person
Is a universe too:
Our waitress 
In the secret restaurant
The man at the gas station
My future wife
Alike

My work
Is learning to see the world
And its people 
Like that sports bar: 
Seemingly mundane
But with a room
Of magic
Waiting to be discovered 

And not as the bar
Where everyone is having fun but me

***

A text
Invites me
To a gathering of men
Another
To a club around creativity
Another
To a trip to Ecuador
Another
To a music festival
I say no to all of these
To preserve my bandwidth
Though my instinct
Is to say yes
Because I was without such opportunities
For so very long

Learning to look for beauty
To create it
To trust
That my people
Will find me
And also, to say no 
These are skills
I'm building
This next year

I'll need these skills
To walk the trail 
From the place of self-pity:
Under the bed or 
Up in a tree or
On my computer
Petitioning the cool kids
For invitations
That are
Not forthcoming

I need these skills
To build a life
Of connection
And creativity
And wonder

I need these walking skills