Yesterday, I mailed a gift to my parents by boat.
“It will arrive in 20 days,” said the man at the counter.
Walking out of the post office, I ran into a friend, who was sending multiple boxes by priority mail. I realized then that it would have been cheaper and faster to send my package priority.
“Damn it,” I said to myself. It was too late to go back and change course.
In the car, I listened to an audiobook called Between Two Kingdoms which describes the author’s experience as a 20-something with leukemia. Compared to the author’s life challenges, this package incident was so minor.
Yet here I was: judging myself for imperfect mailing. And judging myself for judging myself.
There are two tri-lettered flavors of psychotherapy that I like: acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and internal family systems therapy (IFS). Both emphasize compassion towards thoughts and feelings that come up. Both emphasize living a values-driven life.
I choose to value self-compassion, learning and love.
I’m not going to be perfect. Mistakes are doorways to learning. Yesterday, I learned about the best way to mail things at the post office: get the priority box, pack the box at home (or come prepared with a sharpie marker and some crumpled papers to use as padding), and mail.
Even though I mailed the things imperfectly, I’m glad I got out the door yesterday and mailed them. Sending gifts is not my usual love language. This was a growth-edge for me.
I visualize the perfectionistic part of me as a guy wearing a black suit and tie. He looks a little like Lex Fridman:
Early on in my life, this guy internalized the idea that in order to be loved, he had to be perfect. So naturally, he is judging me about the package.
Suit-and-tie guy can’t be erased. He has to be embraced. He is wounded, and believes that only by getting it “just so” he’ll be loved. He doesn’t know that he already is.
The solution for suit-and-tie guy’s meanness is compassion, kindness. Mean parts of myself are mean because they are driven by fear. They believe they are serving me. Since I can’t erase them, I want to learn to embrace them. To take a wider and warmer perspective.
I can remind myself that the package incident was an opportunity to learn. My parents will still be happy when it arrives in 20 days. Sending it was aligned with my value of showing love.
Yet the suit-and-tie guy still got activated, despite these facts. He said: You are such an idiot. The package won’t arrive before the holidays. Who knows, it might get lost. And you had to use more packaging to send it the way you did.
I can say to him:
I see you. I know you’re trying to help. Come here, let me give you a hug.
danscreativeoulet 